Ray of Sunshine

“How do you do it?” There was a lull in the flow of patients in clinic so I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and attempt to start a conversation with one of my preceptors.

Every now and then, I realize the cycle I am in. Day in and day out I am either working, getting ready for work, or studying in between working and getting ready for work. It is draining, and I try my best not to complain, but sometimes it is the only outlet I feel I have. I may not have the time to do an hour workout, enough free time to set 2-hours aside for thoughtful journaling and painting, or the energy to sit down and focus on reading a book before going to bed.

So, how do I maintain my sense of feeling grounded when time is short? When the rut is repetitive with seemingly no end in sight?

In medical school, I remember having a conversation with a psychiatry resident about my “plan for residency”. This elaborate list of hobbies seemed 100% doable to me- even on a busy schedule. It didn’t matter that it was a 3-hour ordeal (at minimum); to me I saw no challenge with maintaining it on a regular basis to preserve my wellbeing. Was I a little misguided about how much free time I would have in residency? Perhaps, but at that time I could not have known what life would be like for me now- even when a very kind resident in actual residency training tried as best as she could to express the truth of my eventual reality.

As would be predicted by anyone in residency, my “plan for residency” failed…miserably. Having three hours dedicated for myself was a privilege that has rarely graced my doorstep and I have struggled with letting it go.

Why? I do not want to lose myself in medicine. I love what I do, I am grateful for this opportunity to serve, and I strive to learn as much as I can, but I still want to hold onto pieces of me.

I want to preserve interests outside of this world of medicine. I want to stretch out my ability to serve in other capacities, explore my talents, spend time with those I love, and reach new heights in different areas of my life.

So how do I make that happen? How do I let go? Well, I needed to stop forcing my tricycle up a mountain. In other words, I needed to learn to adapt to my new environment. A tricycle works well on flat sidewalks with soft hills occasionally dispersed along the way. I didn’t see it then, but in medical school, I had more time (compared to time I have now in residency) to explore what I enjoyed doing- especially in my fourth year. But when the terrain changed (aka transitioning into residency), I tried to bring my old habits and plans with me- simply put, it did not work. I needed to learn how to develop new tools and adapt to this new chapter of my journey.

It has not always my preference, but sometimes I need to remind myself to maximize moments in between seeing patients, while working on notes, or while studying for boards to re-center and be grounded. Deep breathing, mindfulness, talking to family, checking in on a friend, or listening to a song are a few quick tasks I could do to re-connect with myself and what is important to me. Learning to appreciating the small, personally rechargeable moments instead of wishing for more time has become more of a comfort for me; I am able focus more on what is within my control instead of adding to the list of things I have very little power over.

Trust me, it is not easy letting go of wanting to have hours free to myself on a consistent basis. I try my best to make it work, but some days a few moments to myself just isn’t enough; there are days when I need to disconnect for a few hours (sometime even a few days) for the sake of my well-being. It’s not a perfect system, but I remind myself to take it one step at a time.

“So, how do you do it?” I asked. She paused from her task at hand and simply replied, “Hold onto the moments that bring rays of sunshine.”

No matter how busy, difficult, frustrating, painful, lonely, or challenging days in residency (or life in general) can be, hold onto moments that bring joy as much as you can- especially during seasons where it may be hard to adjust and take time away just for you.