Imperfect Perfectionist

I like to pride myself as someone who knows how to dot her I's and cross her T's. However, today was just another reminder of how unrealistic this reality truly is. Patients waiting too long to be seen, too much information headed to me at once, ever-present learning opportunities due to rapid staff turnover, and an over-eager medical student watching your every move- another day busy clinic day despite my best efforts to plan ahead. I took a moment to pause and review the list of patients who had not showed up for their appointments earlier in the day. Working in an underserved community in the middle of an epidemic I have learned that patient's often have valid reasons for not making it to their appointments- no transportation, being in the hospital, language barrier, etc. Maintaining awareness of my own frustration, I picked up my work phone and made a call. My somewhat altruistic intent was quickly replaced by feelings of disbelief, frustration, and annoyance. A patient I had devoted time and patience to both educate and care for her chronic disease was now shaming me for being "the worst doctor". After she provided me a list of all the things I "should have done", I gently clarified the miscommunication that had happened and apologized for factors (out of my control) that led to her frustration and subsequent departure from the practice. Prior to ending the call, the patient subtly asked for assistance for a matter related to billing. A little bewildered that someone who had just indirectly labelled me as a "terrible doctor" seemingly perceived me as capable of helping her address a billing concern. Concealing as much of my annoyance as possible, I assisted her as best I could and once she was satisfied we kindly ended the phone call. I sat in the resident classroom alone to briefly collect my thoughts, fully aware that at any time someone could walk in with an "urgent" request and that I had a long list a patients growing impatient to be seen.

I share this story because it reflects some of the challenges I face as a resident in primary care. Despite all I do, the mistakes I learn from, and the effort I put in to show up daily for the best interest of every patient I meet, there always seems to be someone who is unsatisfied. It makes me wonder...is it worth it? Do they not realize what I sacrifice and have already sacrificed for them daily? Is there no grace or space for me to learn and grow? And, of course, there is that soft whisper reminding of a painful truth-any grievance against me can be used to describe an "inherent character flaw" rather than serve as a reflection of the glaringly concerning faults of the medical system.

This experience as well as others like it remind of several things. Number one, take care of myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Second, this profession in one that takes sacrifice (which often times go unrecognized). Third, try not to grow weary of being compassionate towards the experiences patients have (which can feel very unfair). They hardly ever understand what it truly means to be a physician, and sometimes it is those who look like you that throw the first stone of judgment and criticism. While it is never appropriate to be disrespected as a provider, I am understanding that I will encounter many patients in a vulnerable space and may be at the receiving end of some of their heavy emotional experiences. And lastly, I am not nor will I ever be perfect; instead of striving for this unattainable go I would rather embrace my imperfection and choose to grow- making the intentional effort to learn to be a better person and physician.

Can you relate? What are your thoughts?